The Beginning: part two

Yep, there I was working to reframe each and every negative comment my mind threw at me.  When my mind would say, ” I must be a looser, I have no job, no one is calling me, maybe I am a horrible coach, what am I thinking, I can’t coach anyone….” (okay, so my mind doesn’t always work in sentances…especially when I am in the midst of absolute fear!)

I would begin to seperate one thought…I must be a looser would turn around into something like…”what is the gift in being a looser?”.  Well, I certainly am off the hook of having to look like a winner all the time-relief!  No one would be expecting anything from me, ahh another relief.   alot less responsibility in being a looser, a lot less effort it would seem to take to simply lay back and own being a looser!  Ahhh much more relief of the stress and tension.

Yes, I went through each and every single negative thought as though I were an investigator into the mind of a crazy woman, and I searched to find something more, something more valad and more appealing to my sense of beingness than simply staying put in that small self pitying box my mind was trying to stuff me into.

What about that place of feeling absolute humility and shame?!  Oh yeah, I went down that road too.  The day I finally got up the courage to begin to look through the jobs posted and found out that I had some forty years of living, with no bachlers degree or a masters in any one thing.  That really brought up those “LOOSER” name calling mental situations in my head!  Wow, my ego loved that, and wanted to exploit it all!  Yeah my head wanted to take me to the place of being an uneducated idiot, white trash, country bumpkin, trailer park, back woods, type of STUPID looser.

Those darn job applications really leave much to be desired, in fact I decided that there was no way I could fully express myself in one of those, so I wrote up my own resume/curriculum vitae and started sending those around.  I included my own categories, such as my values, and my hobbies, and other interesting little known facts about me that I thought were important for someone to know about me.

Laughing again, I still see how my pride and ego were fighting and arguing for me to “look” good and appear to have my stuff together, and be appealing to those around me.  I was out to prove what an outstanding person I was, and that I was not all the things my mind was trying to convince me of.  I was defiantly not the “looser” I thought I just might be under neath it all.   I was still puffing myself up to “look” better than the average person.  I wanted to be above anything they ever encountered and absolutely perfect for any job that I was applying for!  Oh did I mention how excited I became when I reached the part of my resume where i talked about the salary I wanted to receive?  Oh yeah, I was staunchly asking for what I secretively really wanted to take home each and every week!  I kept spouting lines to myself about universe only gives us what we ask for, so ask away!

Every day I had this little ritual of checking my emails, then to the phone messages, and listen for the mail truck, and run out and look to see if I had an invitation for a job interview anywhere.

Every day, it was nope, nope and nope, grab the chips, and the remote and sit down listening to the voices in my head tell me what a big fat looser I was again… yes, I spent a great deal of time sifting through the shit every single day.  Then I would travel up to the computer and begin sending out more resumes/curriculum vitae all the while I was re-framing the negative into the positive.